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returnofthejodi
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Name: Jody McCall
Birthday: 11/24/1984
Gender: Female
Interests: finding new ways to spell my name: jodie, jodi, jodee, jodeigh, jodea, jodii ... playing in the rain, the sky, clouds in general, pretty trees, making music with friends, ultimate frisbee, dancing my heart out.
Expertise: sticking my foot in my mouth. being fearless. being completely and utterly honest. asking countless questions.
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Something Different
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
3/26/2005
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well, i wanted to post this a while back, but have been busy with recovery. i have a little time and a little energy right now, so i think i will.
levi wasn't supposed to come until dec 8th, but he had other plans in mind. i secretly think that he wanted to get in on birthday week since mine is on nov 24th and ben's is on nov 29th, and sure enough, he got in there and was born on the 23rd, he is now the kick-off of birthday week! and kick it off he did.
on Sunday the 22nd at 9:30pm my water broke. it was so surreal, i couldn't believe that it had happened. i was like, "ben, either i have wet my pants really bad, or my water just broke. i went to the bathroom to clean up and he called my friend Cora, our doula to ask what to do. we had taken classes, read books, and made a birth plan with the full intention of having a natural childbirth, no drugs, no nothing. He couldn't get a hold of Cora and I was starting to fade because i had taken a sleeping pill about 10 min before my water broke, talk about timing! i don't even know if contractions were coming that hard because i was soon asleep. i woke up sometime in the night and Cora was at our house, i was beginning to go through some contractions so i decided it would be good to get in the bath tub and just relax through them. i was breathing and moaning and they were bearable. painful, but bearable.
around 6 that morning we decided we really needed to get the contractions going so i was up walking around our house, rocking and moaning and such with the encouragement of Ben and Cora. around 7 i went to the bathroom and found poop from the fetus (i think it's called micomium) on my pad. i told cora and we decided to head to the hospital. she had checked me about an hour before and i was about a two and not fully engaged yet, she couldn't tell.
at the hospital we met our nurse, an amazing woman named jo. she was supportive of our desires for a natural birth and wanted to be the least intrusive as possible so she didn't check me vaginally, we just monitored levi's heart rate and the contractions. everything looked okay, so they let me off the bed and i began to walk the halls of the hospital. when i felt a contraction coming on i would just put my arms around ben's neck and hang from him and moan. everything seemed to be going well.
my contractions weren't getting any closer or more intense however, we didn't know what could be wrong. i began to find more micomium in my pads as i went to the bathroom and became more worried. jo told us that we needed to really try to move things along because dr hutchinson would come in and he might suggest using pitocin, we could reject that if we wanted and it is our decision but she just wanted to warn us.
so the goal was to keep moving, to stay upright. mom and kelsey came and hung out with us for a while in the midst of all this, they were a fun distraction for a while. after a time though, i just didn't know what else to do. i had moved and moaned and we did nipple stimulation and kept track of levi's heart rate. at one point ben and i were slow dancing in the room by ourselves and i just began to cry. i wanted him to come out and he needed to come out soon. i was losing amniotic fluid and he was contaminating it... it was scary to think my baby might be in danger.
around 11 or so, i don't really remember, jo decided it would be best to check me vaginally to see if i had progressed. i was at 3 cm. but she had a worried look on her face as she pulled her hand out and said, "i don't think that was a head." this was news to us. we had thought he was head-down for a few weeks now, could he have turned? he didn't have much room to do so, but then he was also very active in the womb. to be sure, jo brought in the ultrasound machine and another nurse to verify. as they looked at the monitors they saw for sure that he was head-up and sitting on my cervix. i couldn't see the monitor, i didn't want to. i was closing my eyes and praying, crying out to God, how could this happen? i wanted to do this your way, what happened?
they called for doctor hutchinson to come. he was at another hospital and so we waited. ben and i looked at each other and knew in that moment that we weren't prepared for what would come next. i began shaking and cora rubbed my legs. i don't know if i was cold or tired or what, but i was trembling. when dr hutchinson arrived he looked that the ultrasound. levi would be impossible to turn, there wasn't enough amniotic fluid and we would need to do a c-section. i knew they had my best interests and levi's best interests at heart so without hesitation ben and i agreed.
as they left ben and i alone to begin to prep for surgery we looked at one another and began to cry. i was so afraid. i began to realize what they would do to me with the spinal block, the epidural, the incision... ben saw me in my fear and wanted so badly to rescue me. he just held me and we wept in that moment.
soon the anesthesiologist came in and began with the questions. i closed my eyes and answered them. i went into survival mode and somewhere deep inside of me i realized i would not be able to handle it if i thought about it and i just withdrew. i remember breathing and keeping my eyes closed and just going inward. i just kept thinking, "God, you are faithful, you have always been faithful and you will be faithful again." breathing through as many scriptures as i could and clinging to Him.
they brought me in and jo was amazing to come alongside me and be my support as they prepped me for surgery. i just did whatever they told me to do. i remember that i was shaking because it was so cold in the OR. i remember the oxygen mask. i remember when they finally allowed ben and cora to come in and the look in ben's eyes as he told me that i was doing so good and that he loved me and it was going to be okay. i remember the anesthesiologist holding my hand and patting my head, telling me that i was so brave. i remember seeing the doctors as they worked on me. i had no idea what they were doing, but i could look over the low curtain and see their faces. i remember that my teeth were chattering and i was trying not to shake as much as possible.
i remember them wrestling with levi as he refused to come out, the look of frustration on dr hutchinson's face. i remember others in the room saying, "look at his feet, there's his body..." and then finally hearing that little scream. that little bitty scream from tiny lungs that is like nothing you have ever heard in the whole world. they picked him up and held him over the curtain for me to see him. i laugh now as i remember that funny little scene, his arms were flailing and his hands fully extended with his fingers out and separated so far, it was almost terrifying! soon they got him cleaned up and wrapped up. ben went and got him and showed him to me.
i couldn't believe it. there he was, so perfect, so beautiful. i was in love. i couldn't wait to hold him.
no, things did not go as planned. but life is never the way you thought it would be. but that is why we get to just let go and have faith. i would not trade that day for anything and i would go through a million more surgeries for my little boy. thank you Lord, for this miracle.
so that's my story. you can ask any questions you want, just wanted to be able to tell it.
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i am reminded daily of my own sin
i am reminded daily of my need for God
i stand full in His grace.
this morning i was yet again debating my holiness with God. i still do what i do not want to do. i walk down that road and go back to what i do not want to do.
i have answers from scripture, but my heart is still coming around to belief. it takes me a while to "feel" forgiven. but it's not about feeling, it's about what is, it is about the fact of grace.
i want to be so much more than i am. i want to live so much more than i do. i am tired of the mediocrity of the ease of my life. i know it is about to be shaken up by this little one. i want to write again, i haven't written in a while, i haven't been motivated to write. often my songs come out of great pain and great struggle and i feel i have not had that. i want to be changed and made new.
i know in asking for these things i am asking for pain and discomfort, but i want to cry out to God in a way that i never have before.
help me Lord
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it has been a while since i have last written.
i don't know why i feel like writing now. it's just an itching, so i will.
i have been faced with a depth of brokenness in these last few weeks. it is not that of my own, but of a friend's. to be walking alongside her and holding her hand through a healing that has only just begun. i am reminded of how painful healing and changing can be. i am reminded of how slow it takes.
i think i want things to rush along in my life. sometimes it feels like this pregnancy is taking forever. i get up and walk every day, i eat, i drink, i sleep... i do the mundane things of life and it's as though i am waiting on things. i am waiting for him to come, i am waiting for the next part of my life to start, i want to be over and done with things and i don't cherish the moment.
what would happen if i stopped for a moment and gazed at the beauty around me?
i have a deep longing within me and sometimes i feel that it will eat me alive.
whom have i in heaven but you?
the earth has nothing for me besides you
though my heart and flesh may fail
the Lord is the strength of my life
and my portion forever.
i am so thankful that God has directed my path. i would not have chosen this path, but it is so much better than the one i had in mind. that will probably be the story of my life
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in no way do i claim to know very much about politics. i find it difficult to follow the speeches of the well-oiled mouths of politicians and their fancy talk.
i simply said that i believed Obama to be a communist because of his statements to "share the wealth" and "take from the rich and give to the poor." These are very noble thoughts and seem so right on the outside, the only problem is that it's been attempted in the past with no sign of success.
in my civics, government and history classes i came to the conclusion that there is no such thing as a "perfect" government. the reason being that all the governments have one common denominator: man. man is sinful and therefore struggles with selfishness, pride, anger... you name it :) the only solution for this condition of sin is God. He is the only perfectly good being who is deserving of all glory and all praise, only He can be truly compassionate and bestow grace on the undeserving human race, only he can pluck us out of sin and bring us into his family.
we talk so much of "what would Jesus do?" ... i laugh because how can sinful man know the perfect mind of God? also, Jesus lived a perfect life and died a brutal death on the cross. i think when we ask that question we sort of glaze over the cross part. ... um, that's a little uncomfortable, and not very pretty... let's go back to that part where he says, "let the children come to me" ... but very clearly Jesus states that "he who wants to follow me must TAKE UP HIS CROSS DAILY AND FOLLOW ME." gosh i wonder what the disciples were thinking at that point. i would have been like, "okay, cool, see ya later alligator" haha. but praise God that i wasn't there at that time and now know what the phrase means.
we forget that God has called us into suffering. we are to follow in the steps of Christ as he refines us and shapes us. i forget as a comfortable american in my easy american life.
okay, but here are my struggles. God has put me in this country, how am i to live counter-culture? this means i am supposed to go against the flow and that what i say or do might be considered offensive to others, the cross is offensive, Jesus is offensive, he is a stumbling block for many, check out 1 Peter 2:7-8.
i have also been given the freedom to vote, that means i have a bit of say in things, what do i say and how do i say it? honestly, i don't agree at all with what Obama is doing. he is putting the government in the place of God. not to mention the clear sin that he is leading our country into. i remember my friend sara saying, "people don't want to change, they don't want to have their sin pointed out to them, that is why they are so happy he is president." i couldn't agree more. he very definitely has an agenda for killing our children through abortion and teaching homosexuality in schools, no lie, he has promoted certain people who have a very strong homosexual, bisexual, transgender agenda into high places who are pushing for graphic explanation of how to perform homosexual sex in sex ed in public schools. when i think of my son being submitted to this type of "learning" it truly terrifies me.
i also don't agree with our system of "taking from the rich" which has actually amounted to taking from the working middle class and giving it as a handout to people who have done nothing for it. our system seems to encourage people not to get jobs, my friend drew more from unemployment than what he made at his job he was fired from. another thing that worries me is the national debt. Obama says that this won't cost us anything, but really?? really??? where is the money going to come from? out of the air? do we have some benevolent giver who has billions of dollars lying around? ... no, let's take it from the guy who is working hard for his family, worked hard for a decent education and is trying to provide for his family... let's give it to the guy who won't get off his couch to go out and look for a job, any job... he didn't try hard in school, he didn't try to work his way up... this is not to say that everyone who is unemployed is lazy and doesn't want a job, but too many times there are free handouts and people end up just living off the government ... i mean, since when did a handout raise a man's self-esteem and cut down on crime rates? what do jobs do? they raise self-esteem, people are too busy working hard than to commit crimes...
okay, sorry, that is a small soap box and i don't stand very tall on it because i know there are many exceptions such as single moms and elderly and disabled... i am sorry if i have offended you. i would just encourage you to pray about it and think about what we should do as a people.
i am afraid of where our country is headed. i see the media and the government and i see how sinful our culture is and i am convinced that i don't want to be sucked into it. this is why ben and i have decided not to have a TV. we don't watch very many movies and even the internet/online gaming/second life... it's all just sort of terrifying.
but i have no need to fear. i will not give way to fear because i know that God is bigger than all of that and more importantly, he will triumph in the end. i need not worry or fear for this is not even my people or my nation. i need only live as a stranger and an alien in this world, it is not my home and i pray that i will always remember that.
i am tired now. there are just my feeble words, take them or leave them, it doesn't matter to me. :)
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Malachi 2:4-7
4 So shall you know that I have sent this command to you, that my covenant with Levi may stand, says the Lord of hosts. 5 My covenant with him was one of life and peace, and I gave them to him. It was a covenant of fear, and he feared me. He stood in awe of my name. 6 True instruction was in his mouth, and no wrong was found on his lips. He walked with me in peace and uprightness, and he turned many from iniquity. 7 For the lips of a priest should guard knowledge, and people should seek instruction from his mouth, for he is the messenger of the Lord of hosts.
This is our prayer for our son. That he would fear the Lord and stand in awe of his name. That true instruction would be in his mouth and no wrong would be found on his lips. That he would walk with God in peace and uprightness and turn many from iniquity. We are naming him Levi with this in mind. | | |
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